Murtha’s Army

Washington DC (December 3, 2005) – Two days after pronouncing the US Army “broken and worn-out,” Rep. John Murtha (D-Pennsylvania) announced yesterday that he was creating a new Army for the US, just to “show Rumsfeld” how things should be done. To compensate for the injustice done to the underprivileged Americans in the current Army, Mr. Murtha’s new Army would compose only of the “brightest and wealthiest American Democrats” from the top 1% tax bracket. Similar to the Ivy League Colleges system, the enlisted had to pay all cost to be accepted in the new Army. In special cases, a Defense Financial Consortium led by George Soros Inc could provide financial aid. To maximize efficiency, the “military basic training” would be provided online, using virtual battlefield scenarios developed by ESA Sports. The new Army would be equipped with specific weapons and hardware designed to best carry out Mr. Murtha’s “cut-and-run” military doctrine. Mr. Murtha declined to comment on reports that the French Armée de Terre had donated 1000 RFV (Renault Fighting Vehicles) with turbo-powered “reverse gear shift” for this purpose. The first unit of the new Army will “stand up” and will be deployed to Iraq War Theater by December 24. They will have headquarters in the Marriott-Sheraton Hotel resorts complex along the Kuwaiti coast, Mr. Murtha said.