Al-Qaqaa explosives found

BAGHDAD (October 27, 2004) - In a surprise development late Wednesday evening in Baghdad, the mystery around the missing Al-Qaqaa explosives appeared to be resolved. Mr. Ayad Allawi, Prime Minister of the Interim Government, announced in a press conference, that Iraq security forces, in coordination with several international law enforcement agencies, have accounted for and secured the missing 380 tons of HMX and RDX explosives from the Al-Qaqaa storage facility. 150 tons were found in a bank vault on the Cayman Islands, with shipping label showing Mr. Kofi Annan as the receiver. A spokesman for the U. N. General Secretary vehemently rejected the notion that this could be construed as part of the "Oil for Food" payment. "We know the oil price, we know the HMX and RDX market, we would never accepted this as adequate payment". Another 150 tons were found in a production facility of the Arnett Baby Milk Incorporated near Kirkuk. Mr. Peter Arnett, CEO, immediately offered a televised apology on CNN: " That stuff looks like baby milk powder to me". He also added that he bought the explosives on the black market in Fallujah last year for a mere twenty five Euro. 50 tons were secured in a wine cellar near Bordeaux (France), owned by Bernadette Chirac, wife of the French President. A spokesman for the French government responded to the press conference: "Nothing wrong with that! We need the explosives to dig a bigger cave to store the excess inventory of our unsold Bordeaux wines". Another 25 tons were seized in a DEA operation in Bogota where the Colombian drug cartel was repacking the white powdery explosive as SuperBoom, the next generation superdrug. Finally, the last 5 tons were confiscated in a New Mexico ranch that reportedly belongs to Mr. Dan Rather of CBS. A CBS spokesperson said Mr. Rather could not authenticate the story.